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One shot written for Phrensiedom's Despair writing contest on gaiaonline: [link]
Thank you to my wonderful beta (luvanime02 on ff.net) for the edits, and to countless friends for the valuable feedback. All remaining errors are my own!
Any comments and all constructive criticism is adored!
Hope you enjoy the story ^-^
Contest & Characters © Sociially-Deviiant // craziiloop on GaiaonlineMature
© 2012 - 2024 Sociially-Deviiant
Comments1
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Hello! This is a cromment on behalf of 
First off, this is a wonderful story! I can’t believe that no one has commented on it yet! Well done!
Vision 4.5/5: You clearly conveyed that sad, disappointed and helpless point of view that (what I hope) you wanted to achieve. Good use of imagery truly helps in this area.
Originality 3/5: Apologies for the lower score. Even though I’ve never read anything that is quite like yours, miscarriage poems and short stories are quite commonly found. However, you’ve achieved one of the higher scores simple because the way you convey the tone of the story.
What I found that was quite refreshing was that you didn’t linger on the death of the baby and your protagonist’s reaction. Doing so would risk making your readers file this piece away into their “People who think they are too tragic” folder. You do not want to be in that folder. And you aren’t. Keep this up to stay out of that folder.
Impact 4/5: Again, good work. Hopefully, you aren’t too sick of me telling you this, but I just adore the imagery and the tragic scenery. As a pathetic sap of a writer, stories full of falling into metaphorical pits and climbing out of them might make this score biased.
Technique 4/5: No points deducted for grammar, spelling or usage mistakes, though I still spotted one or two in there such as, “Her throat had felt tight, and her tongued dry and sticky in her mouth.” Points added for unique style and wonderful imagery. Being a picky beta-reader myself, I would ask you to input some sentence variety and be cautious of your word choice. I don’t suggest you to replace every word with a ten-letter one from the dictionary, but a few metaphors sprinkled in there would be nice.
All in all, a fine job. I look forward to reading more of your works.
First off, this is a wonderful story! I can’t believe that no one has commented on it yet! Well done!
Vision 4.5/5: You clearly conveyed that sad, disappointed and helpless point of view that (what I hope) you wanted to achieve. Good use of imagery truly helps in this area.
Originality 3/5: Apologies for the lower score. Even though I’ve never read anything that is quite like yours, miscarriage poems and short stories are quite commonly found. However, you’ve achieved one of the higher scores simple because the way you convey the tone of the story.
What I found that was quite refreshing was that you didn’t linger on the death of the baby and your protagonist’s reaction. Doing so would risk making your readers file this piece away into their “People who think they are too tragic” folder. You do not want to be in that folder. And you aren’t. Keep this up to stay out of that folder.
Impact 4/5: Again, good work. Hopefully, you aren’t too sick of me telling you this, but I just adore the imagery and the tragic scenery. As a pathetic sap of a writer, stories full of falling into metaphorical pits and climbing out of them might make this score biased.
Technique 4/5: No points deducted for grammar, spelling or usage mistakes, though I still spotted one or two in there such as, “Her throat had felt tight, and her tongued dry and sticky in her mouth.” Points added for unique style and wonderful imagery. Being a picky beta-reader myself, I would ask you to input some sentence variety and be cautious of your word choice. I don’t suggest you to replace every word with a ten-letter one from the dictionary, but a few metaphors sprinkled in there would be nice.
All in all, a fine job. I look forward to reading more of your works.